How did he die?

I discovered after the death of my husband; the predominant question was ‘how did he die?’ I was exhausted, not only from the shock of what had happened or getting by on two hours sleep, but mainly because I felt obliged to answer, and I would repeat my experience over and over.

‘It’s a long story’ I would begin with… I would tell some people more, some less. When I would see them again, I couldn’t remember what I told them… or what I hadn’t told them. Maybe it was my own shortcomings, I was back to work too quickly. I could have hidden away, or refused to answer, but I felt compelled. Lying on the couch with a blanket over me was an ideal thought, but I was scared to stop, as I knew I would struggle to get going again.

In 2017, I recall a client informing me that her husband had died, while I carried out her usually eyelash treatment. I was shocked, I offered my condolences and cautiously asked ‘what happended?’ Her voiced quivered as she recollected the events leading up to her husbands death, immediatley I felt awful for asking and ashamed of my impulsive curiosity. I ought to have waited to see if she was prepared to talk about it before I asked. With a heavy heart I listened intently, only imagining how it would feel to be in her position, and worry that this could happen to me. I went home that night and cuddled my husband that bit tighter, and that bit longer, and continued my gratitude from then on.

When I hear a tragedy like this, my initial instinct is to wonder what happened, why has someone been taken from this life before their time? I considered if I knew some important information, particularly from someone who had experienced the death of a loved one, that I could prevent something bad from happening to the people I loved. I had been aware at that time my husband had some health problems and refused to seek any kind of professional help, unfortunately, and in less than a year, I was widowed too. Instead of listening to others sombre stories, I was now telling mine, and being asked: 'How did he die?’

More recently, if I have been asked this question, I keep it brief, and answer ‘sepsis.’ This was only one of the causes on my husband’s death certificate but it is not the whole story. I want people to know about how my husband lived, and to convey all of this, I am writing a memoir.

‘How did he live?’ is a question wish I was asked more often; I could talk about that all day!